Planning a Wedding Ceremony that looks after your mental health
As we near the end of Mental Health Awareness Week, I’m looking at ideas for how to support and promote your mental health during your wedding day. In this blog I’m not going to focus on particular labels or mental health diagnoses, rather I’m going to try and identify some ideas, things to try and potential solutions that may support you if you struggle with your mental health sometimes - as I do - especially with elements of anxiety or self image. As I’ve said in all my blogs about inclusive weddings, not every idea or situation will apply or work for everyone, we are all - gloriously - individuals.
My overarching tip, is to not only choose a humanist celebrant-led wedding - where you can get to know the person conducting your ceremony before the day and have them as your wedding advocate & cheerleader - but, if you feel comfortable, to let your celebrant know that you want to support your mental health during the wedding ceremony. They will be skilled in crafting a ceremony that reflects your love, your story and also that makes you feel really comfortable.
Avoiding Overwhelm at your Wedding Ceremony
Let’s start with some elements of planning a wedding ceremony if you are worried that you may become overwhelmed or have ‘sensory overload’ before, during or after you say your vows.
Worried about remembering what you want to say?
If the thought of having to remember lots of bits to say is worrying you, there are definite ways round this. First you could ask your celebrant to build in ‘call & return’ elements, where they say a line and then you repeat. Lots of couples choose this anyway and it also has, in my opinion, a lovely ceremonial feel. If that feels a bit formal, why not ask your celebrant to create you a few prompt cards, these work especially well if you’ve written personal vows.
A Humanist Wedding can be any length
When it comes to the length of the ceremony itself, there is no obligation for a humanist wedding ceremony to be a certain length or to include specific things, so if the best thing for you is something short, sweet and beautifully meaningful - tell your celebrant! They can make this work.
Have quiet or calm spaces nearby for before and after your ceremony
Similar to in my blog about planning a wedding as a neurodiverse/neurodivergent couple. “I really recommend working with your venue and celebrant to identify somewhere calm and quiet for you to both spend time before and/or after your ceremony. In fact, I’d suggest this to any couple!
If you do want some ‘decompression’ time after your ceremony, it’s a really good idea for your celebrant to know this. That way, they can include this in their ‘housekeeping announcements’ or in the directions to guests after the ceremony, making sure you get the time you need. This doesn’t have to be a big deal, as a celebrant I’d say something along the lines of… “As the ceremony draws to a close, please make your way to the gazebo for drinks, Kathryn & David will be spending a few quiet moments together to reflect on their ceremony and will join you there shortly…”
Only involve people in your wedding who support your mental health
This point may be controversial, but I think it’s an important one, think carefully about who you choose to involve in your ceremony. There are no rules that say you have to involve anyone but the two of you in your wedding ceremony. We don’t often talk about the more complex elements of family relationships in the wedding industry, but for some of us they are the reality.
If involving someone in your ceremony is not going to support your mental health, think really carefully before doing so. There are so many creative ways to create a wedding ceremony - your celebrant can help you find ways to have a ceremony that is sensitive to what you need.
Knowing what to expect at your wedding ceremony
If, like me, you feel much more comfortable knowing what to expect, there are a few ways that a Humanist Wedding Celebrant can support you with this. First, remember you will get to see your ceremony script in advance of your ceremony so you can get really familiar with it.
Have a wedding rehearsal beforehand
I cannot recommend having a wedding rehearsal enough. A Humanist Wedding Celebrant may offer you a wedding rehearsal as part of their ‘service’ – definitely ask!
At a wedding rehearsal your celebrant will essentially run through the logistics of the ceremony. It’s really helpful to get a sense of where all the people involved in the ceremony are going to be positioned. You’ll walk and talk through each stage of the ceremony together, so you can feel confident in what will happen when.
Your celebrant will show you your ceremony script in the weeks leading up to your wedding, but you can even ask your celebrant to provide you with a brief timeline of what will happen during the ceremony too. Your ceremony script will be entirely personalised so you can make sure every word works for you.
A wedding rehearsal is a really good reason in itself to choose a celebrant-led wedding. Registrars don’t usually offer rehearsals.
Outdoor Wedding? Have a Plan B and maybe C…
I really do love a back up plan! Knowing in advance what will change and what the plans will be if there’s rain or unexpected issues such as loud background noise will help you feel in control and not have you face overwhelming sudden decisions when you are likely to already be feeling heightened emotions.
Better yet - once you’ve made the plans, let someone else in your wedding party or family know and designate them as decision maker - when does that light drizzle become too heavy rain for people to sit out in - When is that sun just too hot for the older guests. This person shouldn’t really be your celebrant, you want to remain in control, even indirectly.
Supporting you with self-consciousness at your wedding ceremony
Your wedding day is a day that you are very likely to feel that ‘all eyes are on you’. For some people this is a really challenging feeling. There are some elements of your wedding ceremony that you can think about with your celebrant to try and lessen the impact of these feelings.
Making your entrance, or...not!
If you’d rather avoid the intensity of walking down an aisle then why not consider alternatives. You could come in from a different entrance, walk in together or even be already at the front when your guests arrived.
Talk through different options with your celebrant and they will craft and create a ceremony, including an entrance (or non- entrance!) That will start your ceremony off in the right way and make sure you feel comfortable from the very beginning.
Consider a first look before your wedding ceremony
If you choose to not include a more traditional entrance, you may still want that element of seeing each other for the first time on the day. If that’s the case, why not choose to include a first look before your wedding ceremony. This is where you see each other in advance and can either be captured by your photographer, or not. Whichever makes you most comfortable.
Have you heard of silent vows?
Again, this may be a controversial idea to some, but perhaps you really want to write personal vows to each other but are really self conscious about speaking these out loud? One idea may be that you each write the other a letter of your vows and at the ‘vow reading’ part of the ceremony your celebrant can invite you to exchange letters and read them - potentially while a musician or singer performs to guests - avoiding any awkward silence. Once you’ve read them, your celebrant will ask you both if you accept these promises - given you both that opportunity for a more traditional ‘I do’ if that’s important to you.
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This has been a bit of a longer blog than I’d usually write, but I think it's important to show how much creativity there can be in planning a wedding ceremony that’s wholly inclusive to those of us who do need to think about our mental health. At the same time, you can see the opportunity to have a wedding ceremony that is still full of warmth and joy.
