How to plan a Feminist Wedding Ceremony

7 May

First off I will address the obvious point that feminism is basically equivalent to equality. I’m focusing on feminism in weddings here as I can speak from my perspective and lived experience. In future, I’d love to collaborate on a post that reflects wider Gender Equality, if you’d like to be involved -please let me know!

For this particular post, I want to give you some ideas of where you may find some hidden, or not so hidden(!), patriarchal elements of ‘traditional western’ wedding ceremonies and give you some ideas for how to replace them if that’s important to you with actions and symbols that reflect all genders more equally.

Again, a lot of the examples below are based on the traditional assumption of there being a ‘bride’ and/or someone identifying as a woman who is getting married. I wholly recognise this isn’t always the case and have tried to reflect that reality throughout.

Who stands where in the wedding ceremony?

You may have found that some people have very strong opinions on who stands where. This is especially true if either of you getting married identifies as a man.

In cis-het weddings, there is a very old tradition of the groom standing to the right of the bride. This slightly random sounding tradition dates back to the apparent need for the man to keep his sword arm free. This was to both ‘protect his bride’ (Yuk) from those who may seek to capture her, but also to keep from anyone objecting to the wedding, including the bride's family if she’d been kidnapped or captured by the groom himself!

That’s right, as well as being generally patronising around the idea of a ‘weak’ woman needing protection, it’s also indirectly linked to the idea of forced marriage - Great!

Of course, you can choose to stand or sit on any side of each other you like and do whatever makes you both comfortable. If you feel pressured to follow this particular tradition though, now you know where it started!

A Feminist Wedding Ceremony Entrance

Now if you are a couple involving a bride who are thinking about ideas for a Feminist wedding, it’s highly likely you’ve already thought about some of the troubling history around the traditional idea of a woman being ‘given away’ by her father.

Of course, this tradition harks back to the idea of a woman being seen as property, handed over from her ‘original owner’ - her father, to her new owner - her husband. For many couples, this no longer sits well.

Alternatives to being ‘given away’ at your wedding

Walk in together

Pick your favourite love song, or one that always gets you up and dancing and enter your ceremony together! This is a wonderful way to reflect that you’ve already started your journey together and you’re taking this next exciting step together. If you’re concerned about missing out on a ‘reveal’ moment - why not have a first look with your photographer instead.

Walk in with Both Parents

You could do this for both of you or just one, that’s totally up to you. While similar, this feels much less like being ‘handed over’ and more like being supported by people who love you . You could also be met halfway by your partner and walk the rest of the way together.

Be cheered down the aisle by your Chosen Family

For many of us, our friends have taken on the role that for some is played by relatives. If this reflects you and you want to have those people who have stood by you play an active role in the start of your journey, this is a great option.

Wedding Rituals that reflect feminism

Handfasting

There’s lovely symbolism in handfasting, much of which can still feel relevant to modern couples.

The joining of hands symbolises the couple are coming together of their own free will. The ribbons symbolise the different individuals and families joining together, the knot symbolises a new family created, while still showing the individuals within, this is where the phrase ‘Tied the Knot’ came from! Your wedding celebrant can write some meaningful wording to be said during the handfasting, or you might choose to say your vows or promises at the same time. Your celebrant can help you decide.

Sandblending Ceremony

Each layer of sand represents something that you choose, you could have three sand colours, one for each of you and one for your partnership. You could have four sand colours, one to represent each of you, and one added by someone representing each of your families. You could even use multiple sand layers for each of your children.

The sand itself can be used to represent you both as individuals; all the grains in your personal containers symbolising your personality, identity, characteristics, foibles! When the two sands are blended together, all of your characteristics and personalities come together but your individuality is retained and represented. It’s quite nice to use two different coloured sands, or two very different types of sand, to show that although you are unified and a partnership, you are still retaining all that makes you you. Two whole individual humans working together and sharing their love and life! The final, filled, sand display will be a beautiful visual representation of all the important elements of your partnership and a wonderful keepsake reminder of your wedding day.

Drinking from the Quaich

Similar to a Sandblending drinking from the quaich derives from Celtic Heritage and involves blending two liquids (sometimes whiskey, but choose any drink you like) in a shared cup that you then both drink from. Again this reflects how you are both equally part of and bringing something to your partnership.

Making Promises to each other on an equal level

A Celebrant-led wedding gives you the opportunity to craft and create entirely personalised promises and commitments that really reflect who you both are as individuals and what you aspire to and commit to as a couple. Your Celebrant can help you to think about what matters to you both as individuals and/or together and to put this into words.

In other words, no one is going to be obeying anyone here!

A word or two on ‘Wedding Buddies’

It’s a wonderful thing to have the friends who’ve supported you most be at your side during your ceremony. Don’t feel obliged or pressured to stick to the roles of ‘maids and men’, have the friends who matter there with you.

Let’s be honest, lots of us have friends of all genders. Let’s reflect that!

Who can sign a keepsake certificate?

As we’ve seen this week - now both your parents will be recognised on the marriage register! At last!

You could also choose to have your mums as your witnesses, we did this, as a way to have them equally present.

You can choose to also sign a keepsake certificate during your Humanist Wedding. As this isn’t a legal document but more of a keepsake, you can choose exactly who signs it and what they include. Why not have everyone who matters sign it as a wonderful memory of your wedding!

A Celebrant can help you have a Feminist Wedding

It’ll come as little surprise that my main advice about planning a feminist wedding ceremony is to choose a Celebrant-Led Wedding! This will give you full flexibility over your ceremony, meaning it can reflect your values, your love story and be entirely authentic to your Feminist values.

You’ll notice I’ve focused a lot on the ceremony element here. For more ideas of creating a feminist wedding why not check out Manon Pauffin’s blog, Manon is a wonderful wedding photographer and planned her own wedding in line with her feminist values.

Ready to start creating a wedding ceremony that reflects feminist values? Say Hello!